Call me paranoid

Call me silly. Call me crazy. Call me a pessimist. Call me suspicious. Call me paranoid if you wish. Still, I will be sharing my feelings: “I am scared”.

I am scared what is coming

After more than half a year living in Colombian capital Bogotá, D.C., I have come to the point when I could no longer postpone answering the persistent question: Am I coming back to Europe? Given the recent circumstances, the answer that one would expect is yes.

Yet, it sounds like a paradox: I found myself more comfort with the idea to staying in the country that is known for more than fifty years of the violence, insecurity, armed conflict and displacement, than with the prospect of living back in Europe, the dream of stable, secure and prosperous life for some. Well, the world has changed. In July 2014, considering my return in order to work and live in Europe again, I feel insecure. Somewhere deep inside, something is holding me back to make this apparently logical decision.

The answer grounded in my intuition is no. I want to stay in Colombia. I am scared of what is happening in Europe. The sneaky, invisible and irrational change of attitudes. The hidden fear of uncertainty of future. The arrogance of keeping calm that nothing serious will happen to us. Where exactly is written that the security and peace in Europe has been granted to its habitants forever? Unfortunately, the darkness inside each of us seems to be common to all human beings alike, indifferent to a country or region where one is living.

I am scared that the hatred and anger will overrule our hopes

It is like to switch on a machine. The global machine of hatred and aggression of any of its kind has been switched on: dissatisfaction and protests in hand with violent clashes on the streets have been raising internationally; the extremists and fundamentalist movements have been succeeding to address their audience and followers; neo-Nazi influence and presence has been increasingly reported; the word ‘terrorism’ has become the part of our daily talks and thoughts, and more importantly, part of the recent policy making; innocent people have become the intended targets in the wars of the 21st century.

The sample of “violent incidents” in the world over the last twelve months reaffirms that people being still killed and suffering in Palestine, Syria, Iraq, Turkey, Afghanistan, Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, China, Philippines, Thailand, Egypt, Chad, Central African Republic, DRC, South Sudan, Somalia, Venezuela, Brazil, USA or Ukraine; with other protests that had out broken into new violent clashes in Greece, Italy, Russia, Germany, Sweden, France or Armenia. And the list is clearly incomplete.

This list has been constantly growing over decades. These last twelve months is just the current snapshot. How would the list of the last twenty years look like? How many people worldwide have grown up in a war or surrounded by injustice, hatred, violence and desire for freedom and recognition of their rights that had never happened? The other day I saw the title “Three wars old”, addressing the situation in Gaza. It made me think: if children are our future, what kind of future is coming when so many young people have been raised by disappear, uncertainty, permanent fear of loss and killings?

I am scared of a new devastating conflict

Following the news about Ukraine since the last year, my concerns have been simply growing: feeling sad when hearing about the severe protests in Ukraine in November 2013, sleeping bad after the deadly clashes in Kiev in February 2014, deeply worried when reading the news about the escalation of the internal conflict and the Crimea annexation, truly crying when Russian troops intervened in the eastern and south-west Ukraine in the spring, losing the hope when the international flight with innocent people was shot down by the Russia-backed separatists last week. What next?

Here we are: witnessing the Putin’s dream of the world superpower becoming true. Obviously, the evolution of Ukraine’s conflict demonstrates his power to start a conflict. What is missing is only the demonstration that exclusively he is able to end the conflict. How much time has to pass between the latter and the former? How many lives have to be lost? How many innocent people on the board of commercial planes have to be sacrificed in order to provoke the conflict and stimulate the war industry?

I am scared that I am not paranoid

“When you need to have a hundreds of protests just to tell the world that bombing children is not ok, that is when you know that humanity has failed.”
(Unknown about bombing in Gaza)

Honestly, I just want to be a silly, crazy, pessimistic, suspicious and paranoid freak. This is my deep wish. What about if my wish doesn’t become to be true? More people may share my concerns; their number may increase over the upcoming months. So what? More people will be scared? Will our fear change anything? It will definitely not. We need urgently to look for the new hope, solidarity, understanding, respect and tolerance, trust each other again, to look for the humanity, forgiveness and love. Anywhere. For me, it is inacceptable that the humanity has failed.

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